Health and Happiness Club

Why do I find this picture a good illustration of the waiting game? Yo no sey. Perhaps because I'm obsessed with my sister's dog.As soon as I heard about the cast of Nine, I couldn’t wait to see it. As December 25, 2009 closed in, more and more interviews and clips were being revealed—who can forget the Oprah interview (oy, that was good)—causing my anticipation to reach a boiling point. I wanted to see that movie diddymao. It. Looked. So. Good.  Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Judy Dench, SOPHIA LOREN, and dancing and singing and Italy?!!!! I mean, come on, it’s my perfect movie! And then I saw it. And I left with a giant “Meh” on my face. You know what “Meh” looks like. It’s when something really isn’t bad, per se—I mean, I liked Nine. I did. I thought it was a good movie. But “Meh” results when the way you imagined something to be is leaps and bounds better than the actual product or event. You always try to make the event logically seem good in your head, but in your heart you know it kinda sucked. Like the last Indiana Jones movie. Or the prom. Or the iPad. It’s when you are looking for inspiration and the mundane is all that you are given. The mundane may still be a good ride, but it’s not the ride that you wanted, and perhaps just not the one that you needed.

This happens a lot in life. I feel this way about college. And grad school, for that matter. Here you are, preparing for the “real world” so you can start really living your life. Then you graduate, and you realize it’s more of the same. It’s just one interview after another. Even when you get the job, there is no coasting, just a continuous demand to prove yourself. There is no arrival, only work. You have this imagined life, how much money you want to make, what your mate looks like, what kind of subway car you’ll ride—and somehow everything that you imagined it to be is wrong. I think this is why a lot of marriages fail—two people signing on for two complete different lives. When they don’t match up and it starts to show, you feel like the whole foundation of your relationship is cracked and don’t know how to put the pieces back together again. Eff marriages, I think that describes any breakup whether with friend, foe, job, or lifestyle. I have friends who get their “dream job,” or what they thought was their “dream job,” and then later they discover after a few years of being uninspired, the dream job is more of a nightmare. The life they are living is the antithesis of the real life that they want. Unlike marriages, when you divorce a perception about yourself, the only person to blame for the failure is you. You guessed wrong.

Yet, how do you discover your passion when you have no idea what it may be? I have friends who are going through that right now. They may have hobbies that they like, but wouldn’t want to make them into careers. They have side projects that they want to work on, but that doesn’t leave them totally fulfilled. How do you find this passion when one isn’t given to you at birth? When you’re not Bill Gates tinkering with computers before you hit your growth spurt?

I’m lucky in that I have a dream, I’ve always had a dream—to be an actor. I used to keep it quiet, but now I declare it as my vocation. But acting takes risk, and risk is scary. If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I quit my job (that I deplored and I swear was draining me of my life force), and as of Monday, February 1, 2010, I am working my ace off auditioning, striving for the prizes of paying gigs and SAG and Actor’s Equity cards. But, I’m antsy. I want success so badly that I can taste it. But I know that I have to work my way up, and the auditions that I am seeing aren’t as inspirational as I had hoped. I’ve waited 3 months for this month, and the auditions that are posted are a whole mess of “Meh.”  And this has me doubt.

What if my acting career is not where I’m supposed to be? What if I’m one of those people who got it wrong? What if there’s some passion that I’m supposed to follow that I don’t know about yet? This is when other people chime in. They tell me I should write. I like writing. I know I’m good at it, or at least decent. But it doesn’t compare to what it feels like to be creating a character’s life and fully living it and realizing it in communion with other actors, other people, an audience. I know that sounds really hippy dippy, but it’s true. When I really get into the world of a character, I’m at home. Which is worrisome, because then I wonder if the only reason I like acting is because I get to live someone else’s life, and notsomuch worry about my own. Which I know is part of it. But part of my not living my life is becoming afraid and not really going after things that I want. I get close, and then I retreat, afraid that my dreams will be a “Meh” moment.

So, how do you work through that? By realizing that all of that anticipation, all of that worry, is just a bunch of sound and fury, ultimately signifying nothing. Thanks, Shakespeare, for that inspiring analogy. If I focus on the humdrum, then that is what my life will be. All the worry is just words, thoughts. I know at my core that I am doing the right thing, that if I follow this passion, because I do know that it is my passion, then something good will come from it—even if that’s moving into another direction. Because where I am today is where I’m meant to be—it’s what my mind and psyche can handle right now. And, as you very well know, we live in the now. So, I can worry. I can spew out concern after concern after concern until that’s all that’s left of me. Sometimes concerns are another form of excuse. In my case, I know it is. Concern is my excuse for not going all out. Which isn’t me anymore. I can acknowledge my concerns, my doubt, but not dwell in them. Realistically, I will doubt myself from time to time. But if I didn’t, then how could I tell how strong my convictions truly are, how much I truly want this dream? By doubting, I end up coming closer to my source because I have to remind myself why I am doing all of this in the first place. However, instead of letting that doubt, that worry consume me, I can use it to give myself a reason to jump and take the risk. The way I figure it, both doing something and not doing something qualify as taking a risk. I can either risk losing what I have or risk regretting never taking a chance. I choose to not regret.

Therefore, I am going to use all of that energy that I poured into worring about the “what ifs” to instead make myself into the person that can handle the greatness of achieving my dreams. Because dreams are big, you need to be strong enough mentally and physically to carry them through. I’m working on my life. I’m working on my body and mind. I’m accounting for the negative thinking, and turning it positive. And soon, instead of letting something else dictate what my real life is, instead of waiting for inspiration or a kick in the pants, I’ll be making my expectations real. Because what I do know from all my past experiences is that I can do anything if I just let myself do it. Thusly, I am removing this protective barrier around me that both protects and prevents me from the full impact of my choices. Because sometimes, when you go back and watch those “Meh” movies, you realize that you love them. You just weren’t old enough to understand them or weren’t in a place where they could affect you as much. That may not happen with Nine, but I know that this is my chance to finally make my life into what I want it to be. I have the tools. While I may get cast in something "Meh," it could lead to something fantastic. I have the time. I just have to have the courage to risk the wait.